Someone shit on the floor
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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