I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
