I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
