I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
