At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Don't make out with my wife yet
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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