i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
