i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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