A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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