If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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