I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
