So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
