I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
