Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
