new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
