R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
