someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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