Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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