Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
