I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i would punch a child for taco bell
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
