Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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