I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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