I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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