I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
