OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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