New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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