marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
