I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
