I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
