Sponge bath it is.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
