Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
