I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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