i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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