Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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