i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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