Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
