My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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