Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
