So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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