I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
