i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
