in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
