i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
