When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
