I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
