??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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