I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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