The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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