When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
