you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
