If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
