I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
