what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
