i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
