There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
