my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
