After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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