she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
