It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
