all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
