ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The air was thick with penises
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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