im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
