If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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