if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
