You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
